Pregnancy Loss

Something no one wants to talk about and something no one can prepare you for… It was getting towards the end of the Covid-19 lockdown and my husband and I were going on our long-waited honeymoon that we had to cancel and reschedule until things began to open up again. We were SO excited to be celebrating our marriage, getting out of town and getting our feet in the sand. I was trying on bathing suits for the trip and I remembered thinking to myself… ‘I need to start cutting back on some snacks I’m feeling a little bloated’. Not thinking much of it, I packed things I might need just in case I got my period on the trip because it was coming up on that time. A couple days into the trip I noticed my breasts feeling tender, and my husband made a comment of them even looking bigger. I thought… he’s just a happy husband swooning over his wife on the beach. Well, I went the whole honeymoon without a visit from Aunt Flow and decided to take a test when we got home. I WAS PREGNANT! The excitement rushed over me like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I see all these videos of wives waiting months before telling their husbands, making elaborate reveal videos with a sonogram photo, but I couldn’t wait even a minute. I rushed into the room and we celebrated together. It was absolutely amazing. We were going to be a real family! Not two weeks went by, and we lost our baby. Now I’m sure as a husband you get upset, but as a wife - you don’t just lose your baby, you are painfully reminded of it day after day as you watch the blood flow from you day and night for a week. I’d like to say this only happened once, but it didn’t.

Three months after our first loss, we got pregnant with our beautiful rainbow baby boy who is an absolute ray of sunshine in our lives. We always wanted to have our children close in age, so about six months after he was born we began trying again. It took over a year to get pregnant with our son, so I figured we should start trying again as soon as I was all healed. Well, two months later and I saw that beautiful double line that we had been praying for. The doctors tell you that once your body has a baby it knows what to do and it’s easier for you to get pregnant faster so now I believed it! At this point, my best friend had found out she was pregnant a few weeks earlier so I immediately told her that we were going to have best friends in the making. We were ecstatic. Three weeks into our pregnancy, my sister sent me a message that she was pregnant! Now the flood gates of excitement had opened and I told her we were going to have cousins growing up together, so close we could even celebrate their birthdays together!! My sister and I decided that for Christmas, we were going to wear matching pregnancy announcement sweaters to tell the rest of the family. We ordered them and when mine came in I almost cried I was so happy. I immediately went online and bought my son an outfit to wear saying that he was “little, but going to be a big brother”. At eight weeks pregnant, I got Covid-19 for the first time… and it was hell. Into week nine, I caught a nasty stomach bug that made me so sick I didn’t know whether to puke or sit on the toilet first…that kind of bad. Just as I was coming up to week 10, I started to bleed. My heart sank to my feet. We were supposed to go to my parents house in an hour and there was no way I could go, I was an emotional wreck. I ended up having to call my dad to come watch our son while we went to the emergency room, and of course had to tell him why. He assured me like any great dad would that everything was going to be okay, but it wasn’t. Not only that, but the doctors had determined that I wasn’t able to completely clear the baby out of my uterus, so I had to take medication to help expel it or else I would have to go back to have my uterus cleaned out surgically. When I say this is the worst kind of mental torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I mean it.

So here I am now, watching my best friend and sister plan their baby showers and watching their bellies grow, while I sit and wonder what beautiful angels wait for me in heaven. I don’t know what you as a reader believe in, but to me I have to believe there is a better place where everything good awaits us when we pass on. I’m not going to lie, there are good days and bad days… but every day I am eternally grateful for the healthy baby boy that I get kiss every morning and tuck into bed every night. I know it can happen to anyone, at my age the statistics are close to 20% and rising… but for anyone trying to get pregnant I have some advice for you. Take your prenatal vitamins every day and for at least a few months before you really get serious about getting pregnant. If you smoke, quit. I know that is easier said than done but when you are doing it not just for yourself but for your unborn child, you’ll have extra motivation. Same goes for drinking, just don’t. Also, if you do experience pregnancy loss, don’t be hard on yourself… you can do EVERYTHING right and it can still happen. I know my cramps were unbearable, and the only thing that helped even a little bit was a really good heating pad. Besides that, I know it’s hard as hell but don’t be afraid to talk about it. When we hit what would have been our ‘half-way’ mark my husband and I just sat together for a minute, and just doing that made me feel a little bit better. Just know you aren’t the only one out there trying your best mama, just keep on trying.